Yesterday was an interesting day in terms of how the calendar lined up. It was the first day of Autumn which means that now the hours of night are long than day. It was also the end of the High Holy Days, and the day when the Book of Life is sealed for another year. This time of year has its challenges for many of us. For me it is a stressful time as I get closer to Thanksgiving. Every year of my life that I have spent that day with my maternal grandmother has been very difficult.
This year, though, my mom will be having surgery that month and my grandma is taking care of her post-op. This is great news because it means we can skip the big family get together! Maybe another relative will have everyone else over and I can spend the day with just my mom, the hubs, and the dogs. That would be a wonderful day for me to give thanks and focus on the truly important things in life.
I have also had some really good things happen in the fall, though. We are coming up on our 8th wedding anniversary. I get to see my sister and meet my nephew next month. We are also having a big family party for my niece’s birthday. So fall is definitely a time for celebrating in my life, too.
As the great wheel of time rolls forward this year I am thinking about using this time of darkness and hibernation as a chance to rest and rebuild myself. I am working on untangling some of the emotions tied up in my weight. I have been carrying them around and struggling with them for years, but I think I’m finally ready to unwind them and let them go.
How can I do that? Well, I’m not entirely sure. But I know that part of it will be to continue my meditative walking in nature. Part of it will be to accept the fact that I look like I do right now, and that’s okay. Part of it will be to continue to learn how to improve my health and well-being every day.
One thing I have been thinking of lately is how I look. I shared my weight loss progress with a coworker the other day. I was so excited that I’ve lost 28.6 lbs. He said it was great and asked if I can imagine how good I’ll look in a year. I’m sure he meant it in a positive way, although it’s not really a positive thing to say. I also tend to judge my appearance harshly on days I don’t heat-style my hair or if my makeup isn’t staying in place the way I think it should. Part of that comes from working in the beauty industry for so many years. Part of it has to do with my negative self talk.
The real question, though, is why do I need to wait to be beautiful? Can’t I be beautiful today at 320? Can’t I be beautiful with no makeup or natural hair? Why am I left out of what I consider beautiful? I understand that when I flat-iron or curl my hair, when I put on a full mask of makeup, I look beautiful. Did you catch that? I LOOK beautiful, but never accept that I AM beautiful.
So what I want to work on this winter is the transformation into seeing myself as beautiful. I will untangle all those nasty thoughts I have about myself and wrap them around me in a strong cocoon. When I am ready, I will pull myself out, strengthening myself as I go, just like a butterfly. And I will be able to see beauty in myself and see myself in beauty.
It’s a tall order, for sure, but one well worth the work. I was reading about a woman yesterday who cleans her hair with baking soda and vinegar. I have used that cleaning method in the past with great results. I looked at all of the lovely pictures of the woman and several others online and they all have such great natural hair. Why not me? So I am going to go “no ‘poo” as well and hopefully find some of that natural awesomeness in myself, too.
I have also been reading about barefoot living. I have been letting my feet out as often as I can and I even ordered some custom fit huaraches. It’s funny, in shoes my feet were never visibly soiled so I hardly ever actually washed them. Now that I am walking around my house constantly barefoot as well as outside a little and sometimes on trails my feet get washed often. They look so healthy from the gently scrubbing and I feel like my arches are starting to pull back up.
Maybe there is a beautiful person somewhere inside after all. Not hiding behind layers of fat, but hiding behind layers of social constructs. Fix your hair, wear the right shoes, look a certain way. All of these are just fleeting as style is fluid. Why bother? I can be myself and be amazing, right now. I do not need to lose any weight to be beautiful. 🙂